PARENTS NOT INVITED

A friend of mine “Suren”, from a small village in Tamil Nadu, is steeped in tradition, has cultural values, respects and cares for his parents Suren is kind , considerate to his two younger brothers. Suren also believes in his community , caste and religion. His father is the village head and all in the village hold him in high honor.

The family had to struggle hard to keep up the village traditions, which were quite a drain on their dwindling finances. Suren found employment and readily spent his salary on the upkeep of his family and the educational expenses of his two brothers.

 Suren would not do anything that would bring shame to his father.

Suren’s youngest brother suddenly disappeared one day. A week later Suren traced him in a town in Tamilnadu. His brother, who was still in his final year in the college, had eloped to get married to his girlfriend.

Suren was in distress. He had cared so much for this brother. He had hoped that his brother would come up well in life. That he should get married, even without informing Suren or the parents came as a rude shock to him.  When he talked to me, he expressed deep sadness, that his brother had not bothered to inform his own family about the marriage,a very important event of his life.

Another friend, Nandu, was the only son of seller of flowers. In Tamilnadu flowers a a part of daily life style.

Flowers are a part of religion. Most people, who visit temples buy garlands to adorn the deities. Strung jasmines are worn by women on their hair, and strung Chrysanthemum, nerium, are used for worship of idols in temples and houses.  His father  was up by 3 AM, went to the wholesale market, and bought flowers.  , Nandu’s mother sold them directly to the customers, from a small shop on the pavement.

With such hard work they educated , Nandu.

Nandu was a good boy who helped his parents in the flower trade.

But he got married to his girl, 3 years before in a simple register office ceremony.  The couple returned to their respective houses, as though nothing had happened. Neither parent knew about the event. Three years later, they got married once again, in a temple with rituals. This time too neither parent knew.  After the marriage, which happened in the presence of friends, they came home to the parents to ask for forgiveness, blessings and acceptance. The parents had no other option but to invite the couple in, to stay with them.

It is a matter of shame not to be informed nor be invited to a important milestone in the children’s life, that is their “ Marriage.”

What is even more alarming is the fact that the children do not trust their parent enough to share important information.

I once read in a book, that people would rather  discuss problems with total strangers, than share them with family members.  Why are family members always the last to know? It is because we have not given enough confidence to our children, that no matter what, we are there for them.  We are judgmental, have expectations, get emotional and do everything, to distance our closest kith and kin.

We are the elders. We have to set examples. We have to build trust, and forge long lasting relationship.

If we have been kept away, then we have failed. In failing our children’s trust we fail ourselves.  

 

Carrot and radish chappathis

This is a blog I wanted to write for a very long time.but I needed the help of my wife in making a particular dish, that is tasty healthy and easy to make.

Recently she made the dish, “ Carrot and white radish chappathis “  so I took the step by step photos and now I can go ahead.  

Peel  white radish - long ones and 3 medium size carrots.

Grate them.

Cut 2 green chillies nto small bits.

Take a kadai. Pour some oil in it. When the oil warms up, add the chillies first and mildly fry them.

Add the grated carrot and white radish mix.

 Add salt and dhania powder [dry coriander].

Add red chilies powder, and mix well.

Heat it  till well cooked. Remove from stove, spread on a large plate and allow to cool.

Mix adequate [ atta] wheat flour with the cooked carrot and white radish.

Mix thoroughly and make it into a big ball and allow to stay for ten minutes.

Roll them into small balls.

Now roll these balls one by one with dry wheat flour. Take one ball and spread it into a

thick  circle with your fingers. Do not use rolling pin.

Heat the tava, and place the chappathi on it. Pour some oil around the chappathi.

When the lower side is cooked into a brown shade, turn it around and pour some more oil.

When the second side is also cooked well, remove and serve .

Can be taken with curd and any pickle. Hope you guys like this dish.

SIMPLE METHOD OF REALIZING GOD

People discuss spirituality with me. They try to get an inkling of what God is. There are millions of spiritual and religious books which at the end are non conclusive about God.

How have I tried to understand the concept? Let me share it .

God to me is the most subtle element. Let us take two men. Both are made up of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen and nitrogen. These in turn are made up of protons neutrons and electrons. If you further split them then we get sub atomic particles. If we continue the process we will land up with the most basic element. But even this needs space to exist. So space is the basic support of all existence. Ever thought of spaceless-ness? The concept is not conceivable, for we exist in it. But it is also an element. The fishes cannot think of existing without water, for they are born in it, and occupy it. But we can, because we are outside of it. Suppose we do not occupy space, then maybe we can have an idea. Just like space supports all matter, God supports space and many elements not yet comprehended by us. So if are able to remove all things what would be the last left over would be God.    

There has been the discovery of the God particle, which describes the concept in a similar fashion.

Then how to realize God? It is in and as everything. But it eludes us. For we are used to noticing the obvious and not the subtle. We will notice tall buildings, the deep sea, but not notice the space they occupy. So here is the challenge. How to go about it?

Suppose I asked you, how much money I had with me, you would not know,until I showed or revealed to you. So also we cannot realize God till it reveals itself to us.

So what is the practice, to realize. It is simple: just sit and wait till it happens. Sit everyday, and give it quality time. Carry the feel with you through out your waking hours. Let it also be last thought in your mind before you drift off to sleep,so that it works at your subconscious level  With regular practice, there is a possibility. I do not think you need to do anything more. Just practice and abide  your time. And of course first accept God as you Guide and your Master. 

DEATH WISH - A FORWARD- Published on August 27, 2012 by Mark Goulston, M.D., F.A.P.A. in Just Listen

“You’re not a bad daughter,” I told my patient, a grown woman with children of her own.

Her body shook as she sobbed. Her 87-year-old mother was in failing health, living in an upscale assisted-living facility. Although she did not require a walker, wheelchair, feeding tube or oxygen as did many of the other residents, she complained incessantly — about the food, uncaring family members, the brusqueness of the staff.

Julia tried to be an advocate for her mother but found it increasingly difficult in the face of her nastiness.

Then there was her mother’s constant criticism of Julia’s children, who never called or visited. Julia thought that they were merely doing what she would have liked to do — but couldn’t.

As a result, my patient found herself wishing that her mother would die.

The more she wished this, the more guilty she felt. The more guilty she felt, the more she called and visited. If some animals attack when they smell fear, maybe the same is true with difficult parents who attack when they smell guilt.

Whatever the case, the more Julia tried to appease her guilt, the more negative her mother became. The vicious cycle was pushing her into a clinical depression.

I clarified what I was trying to say. “Many elderly parents would be appalled, but not surprised, to learn that their adult children want them to die,” I said.

And equally as many adult children would be relieved to know they are not alone in feeling that way. These adult children, often in their 50s and 60s, live under a cloud that will not leave until their parents pass away.

For them, there is no such thing as good news — not when their mother or father is chronically ailing or, worse, in good health but with a bitter or negative disposition.

A sudden physical decline may trigger sadness or possibly a fear of the child’s own death, but a turn for the better can seem to delay the inevitable for a person already in physical, psychological or emotional decline.

“Why feel glad to get six more months, just to have to go through the same process again?” they may ask themselves.

I told Julia that these thoughts are normal. Watching a parent become weaker, sicker or more enfeebled is stressful, of course, but most adult children can bear that.

It’s when that parent becomes vicious, hostile and resistant to help that stress crosses over into distress. Then, the goal of assisting the parent to have the best life possible is replaced by the goal of relieving one’s own distress.

If a parent’s attitude and behavior don’t improve, the child wants an end to the suffering. That can only come when the parent dies.

The desire for a parent to die sooner rather than later can escalate to a point of obsession. At that point, it can take all of an adult child’s energy to keep such a death wish from wreaking havoc — making the child truly wish that a parent takes a turn for the worse and is closer to death.

That was the threshold Julia found herself facing when she came to see me. She spoke at length of the frustration and exhaustion caused by overseeing her mother’s care.

How, she asked, could a good daughter think such awful thoughts — especially after the many things her mother had done for her and her family over the years?

I stressed that her feelings didn’t mean she didn’t love her mother. Nor did they mean she really wanted her to die. They simply meant that she wanted resolution — to put this chapter behind her.

Furthermore, I told Julia that I thought she loved her mother deeply and that those feelings, not guilt, was what caused her to visit so frequently.

What she didn’t love or like was how her mother’s negativity had so completely taken over her personality and reduced her to a bitter, angry shell of a person.

Julia continued to visit with the hope of seeing the positive sides of her mother somehow show through.

When Julia realized not just intellectually, but emotionally, that she did love her mother but resented her behavior, she felt emboldened to stand up to her mother in a way in which she had been unable to in the past.

On her next visit she confronted her: “You’re my mother and I’m always going to love you, for as long as you live and beyond, but if you continue to act as negatively as you are, I’m not going to like you. And if I don’t like you, I’m going to visit you less often and shorten the amount of time I spend with you at each visit.

“What I will not do is let myself become so angry and so dislike you that I stop visiting all together. Before I do that I will shorten contact to minutes per week and check in more with the staff about you than visit with you.

“I am asking for your help in making the best of the situation — being respectful and kindly toward others and showing the dignity that I know you are capable of.”

Julia’s mom heard the resolve in her words and did what bullies often do when called on their behavior in a firm, no-nonsense way. She listened. What’s more, she changed for the better, and Julia was able to replace the “death wish” she had been harboring with the true desire to visit her mom.

Like others who are exhausted by caring for a physically or emotionally ill parent, she eventually found solace in realizing that the thought is not the deed, that she was not alone in such feelings and that she was not a bad, or even, unloving child.

She simply wanted to love her for the mother she once was, not resent her for the one she had become.

IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME

This guy was thin tall and dynamic. In a recent training program he introduced himself as an achiever. He was just 26 years old. He had won many sales trophies, certificates, incentives within a short span. He had not let go a single incentive. In his first year of employment, his incentive earnings were two and half time his CTC. He became a member of the achiever’s club, with an extra incentive of another  25%, with a sponsored holiday for his family. He had his share of gold and silver medals.

I am a guy who takes life cool. I have never chased many things, because for me being in a comfort zone is more important. I would rather let go than be driven to run after the eternal carrot.

But everything comes as a package.  Comfort zone entails an ordinary existence, but lets you enjoy life at your own pace. You can stop to admire the flowers, listen to the sea, sip hot black coffee, while listening to your favorite song.   But certainly you will not have much money.

As I listened to his narration, I so admired this young man. He was a good provider, a grandson, son, brother, husband and a loving father. He took care of the entire family. He financed his sisters marriage and educated his brother; things which I had never done till now, even at 60years.  I even started to feel slightly ashamed of myself.  As his narration continued, I felt that maybe even I should have been ambitious. But it was already too late for that.

The day went by. I showed him as an example for other trainees to emulate. We had a lunch break. I saw him eating lots of fruits and vegetables. Now my admiration moved up even more. Achiever  with a good sense of nutrition, oh! Excellent.

We met once again for dinner. He smiled at me, and I invited him to join me at my table. His plate was loaded with salads, fruits, curd and a very small quantity of rice.  

I looked at his plate, and at him with and questioning look. He smiled at me sheepishly and said,” I eat these, as I have no other choice.”  He continued,” I suffer from Irritable Bowel  Syndrome, [IBS]. I suffer from gas, griping pain, indigestion, and frequent motions. So I am forced to eat a bland diet. “

Now like a pendulum, my feeling for him went from one to another extreme, from admiration to empathy. Just 26 years old, and unable to eat the tasty dishes. Of what use was all the wealth and fame and achievements before this suffering.?  Our ancestors always emphasized the importance of health. Because  health is the basis of life.

Of course even though IBS is associated with ambitious achievers and stress, it can affect even the calm guys. The character connection is yet to be scientifically proved. But nevertheless, if it is because of this materialistic drive, maybe we could modulate our desires to live a more comfortable life.

He had tried a full course of PPIs with domperidone for a month, and also taken rifaximin 400mg twice daily for 10 days, with the support of lactobacillus supplements.

I requested him to get a colonoscopy and endoscopy done to rule out polyps and cancer, and maybe try homeopathy which provides good relief.  He said he would do it ASAP. 

Well I hope he gets better. If health is set right, that itself would be an achievement.

Hermit Crabs and Human Beings by Erika Andersen

Every year, my husband and I take a break from the New York winter and spend some time unwinding on a beach.  For the past four years we’ve gone to Jamaica.  Mostly it’s pure lovely downtime – I really make the effort to “contain” work, so that I just have one 30-60 minute session of emailing or blogging each day.  Like right now.

My brain really never stops considering things, though – that’s just how I’m wired – so I thought I’d share something cool with you that I just found out.  Yesterday at the beach, Patrick brought me this fascinating creature (the picture above); a big sea shell with a claw sticking out of it.  He said it was crawling along the beach by pulling itself with its claw.

I looked it up just now, and I believe it’s a hermit crab. They have long, soft bodies that they curl into an abandoned shell (whose original occupant has died), and then grasp into the shell with their “tail” – really the end of their abdomen. As they grow, they need to find progressively bigger shells. But then I started wondering – how do they find a shell that’s the right size when they need it?  They must be very vulnerable to predators, I reasoned, when they’re between shells.

Then Wikipedia gave me a really interesting answer:

Several hermit crab species, both terrestrial and marine, use “vacancy chains” to find new shells: when a new, bigger shell becomes available, hermit crabs gather around it and form a kind of queue from largest to smallest. When the largest crab moves into the new shell, the second biggest crab moves into the newly vacated shell, thereby making its previous shell available to the third crab, and so on.

And I started to think about how “vacancy chains” are a big part of human life, as well. It’s just that they’re somewhat more complex, so harder to see.  But, for instance, every time someone moves to a larger/better house, it starts a vacancy chain.  Every time someone moves to a bigger/better job: a vacancy chain. And we’ve used the internet to create more efficient vacancy chains, too: to sell stuff we no longer need because we’ve acquired a newer or better version, to let other people know that we’re wanting to move on to a better relationship, organization, dwelling.

There’s an internal analogue as well.  When we learn something new, or understand something that previously eluded us, we’re moving to a bigger comprehension of the world and abandoning our outgrown worldview.

That kind of internal change is difficult; we feel vulnerable when we’re ‘between understandings.’ But here’s an inspiration to keep growing and ‘moving along the chain’ mentally and emotionally: when we cling to a smaller understanding of ourselves or the world around us, we’re actually getting in the way of evolution.

Keep moving…..

HOW WELL DO I KNOW YOU?

All of us get our first impressions about people. But when we get to know them better, we may find that our impressions too have to be changed.

In one of the many sales conferences, I met  one of my colleagues, for the first time. After initial introductions, and firm handshakes, I got the impression that he was a “Type A” personality. 

 Type A behavior is expressed in three major symptoms: free-floating hostility, urgency,  impatience and a competitive drive.

I took an immediate dislike towards him. We had some arguments and his retaliations were crude and hurting.

It was quite some time before I met him in another conference. This time we had to share the same room.  I avoided any unwanted conversation with him. Why get into arguments?

We had a silent dinner, and returned to the room. He switched on the TV and surfed till he reached a channel playing old Hindi  songs.

The song that came next was  one of my favorites,” Hamne Dekhi Hai Un Aankho Ki Mehekti Khushboo” by Lata Mangeshkar , in the film Khamoshi. It is a song, that describes love, as a mystic would. But I was not sure about the lyrics. I told this to him. Immediately he quickly wrote the lyrics on the hotel pad lying on the table. I thanked him, and told him how much I loved the song.  He told me that the song was his favorite too. We opened up to each other, and I found that we had a lot in common. We talked, talked and talked, late into the night, until about 2.30 A.M.  Next day we had to leave o our respective destination. We shook hands warmly and promised to keep in touch.

Recently in one more training program, I met a colleague; young, dynamic with good qualities of a team leader. But he was always busy on the mobile, carrying with him a streak of stress. I sensed that something was wrong with him, wondering to myself as to what could it be.  I was not able to fathom it, despite a week’s interaction.

Later in yet another program a month later, we dined together. It was a dinner on the open terrace. As we talked, he told me that his dad was a security guard, and had taken pains to educate him, although,  they were poor.  He was married, and had two children. The eldest was seven years old. The younger had died of cancer before it could complete its fourth birthday.

He tried his best to get over the over whelming tragedy, but not before he lost his previous job. He was unemployed for a year; the time he took, to slowly return, to near normalcy.  My heart went out for the young man who had suffered so much in such a young age.  I could now understand the traces of stress that ran through his soul. It is difficult to be balanced all the time. When life dishes out something beyond our existing capacity, it takes time to be processed into a stronger person.  There is pain in the processing, but pain is the price we have to pay, for a better understanding of life.  

Now I had to change my first impression of him; from a stressed person, to a person becoming stronger.

 l