PARENTS NOT INVITED

A friend of mine “Suren”, from a small village in Tamil Nadu, is steeped in tradition, has cultural values, respects and cares for his parents Suren is kind , considerate to his two younger brothers. Suren also believes in his community , caste and religion. His father is the village head and all in the village hold him in high honor.

The family had to struggle hard to keep up the village traditions, which were quite a drain on their dwindling finances. Suren found employment and readily spent his salary on the upkeep of his family and the educational expenses of his two brothers.

 Suren would not do anything that would bring shame to his father.

Suren’s youngest brother suddenly disappeared one day. A week later Suren traced him in a town in Tamilnadu. His brother, who was still in his final year in the college, had eloped to get married to his girlfriend.

Suren was in distress. He had cared so much for this brother. He had hoped that his brother would come up well in life. That he should get married, even without informing Suren or the parents came as a rude shock to him.  When he talked to me, he expressed deep sadness, that his brother had not bothered to inform his own family about the marriage,a very important event of his life.

Another friend, Nandu, was the only son of seller of flowers. In Tamilnadu flowers a a part of daily life style.

Flowers are a part of religion. Most people, who visit temples buy garlands to adorn the deities. Strung jasmines are worn by women on their hair, and strung Chrysanthemum, nerium, are used for worship of idols in temples and houses.  His father  was up by 3 AM, went to the wholesale market, and bought flowers.  , Nandu’s mother sold them directly to the customers, from a small shop on the pavement.

With such hard work they educated , Nandu.

Nandu was a good boy who helped his parents in the flower trade.

But he got married to his girl, 3 years before in a simple register office ceremony.  The couple returned to their respective houses, as though nothing had happened. Neither parent knew about the event. Three years later, they got married once again, in a temple with rituals. This time too neither parent knew.  After the marriage, which happened in the presence of friends, they came home to the parents to ask for forgiveness, blessings and acceptance. The parents had no other option but to invite the couple in, to stay with them.

It is a matter of shame not to be informed nor be invited to a important milestone in the children’s life, that is their “ Marriage.”

What is even more alarming is the fact that the children do not trust their parent enough to share important information.

I once read in a book, that people would rather  discuss problems with total strangers, than share them with family members.  Why are family members always the last to know? It is because we have not given enough confidence to our children, that no matter what, we are there for them.  We are judgmental, have expectations, get emotional and do everything, to distance our closest kith and kin.

We are the elders. We have to set examples. We have to build trust, and forge long lasting relationship.

If we have been kept away, then we have failed. In failing our children’s trust we fail ourselves.